Slow Down
I've always struggled with self care. Things as "basic" as showering regularly have been a constant issue for as long as I can remember and it's made nearly every other aspect of my life so much harder. Maintaining any kind of routine, feeling comfortable in my skin or clothes, and adjusting to new things are all way harder when you can't shower, brush your teeth, care for your hair, or keep your skin from breaking out without feeling like you're wrong for wanting to.
I'm (somewhat) sorry about how wordy this is. It's been awhile and I have a lot to say!
I've had dozens of reasons why it's so hard for me.
- Sensory Overload
- The feeling of going from "dirty" to "clean" is worse than just staying dirty. Especially when it comes with all the noise, water, smells, and heat.
- Dysphoria
- I hate seeing myself as I am, dirty, clean, or otherwise.
- Over Heating
- I can't really tell when the water is too hot, so I often get out of the shower already sweating and massively over heated.
- Emotional Energy
- Self care just sucks, and it takes too much energy to force myself to care.
They're all varying levels of true, and I've had or tried a bunch of different coping mechanisms to "fix" them since like, not caring for myself is a "problem".
I knew that I could solve the over heating issue by running cold water either at the end of my shower, or periodically while in the shower. Even if I didn't feel like I was too hot, I could watch for some of the symptoms and also just cool of before leaving. It made things better, but never quite "solved" it.
Listening to music that I knew the shape of helped with the sensory overload, and that was an easy one to implement since being alone with my thoughts is scary.
I even transitioned to alleviate the dysphoria, but showering and self care was still difficult. More than I thought it had any right to be when I wanted to be clean and like myself.
It wasn't until I moved out last year that it started to get easier, and it's taken awhile, and a lot of introspection, to realize why.
I've always felt the need to do something all the time. Like, if I'm doing anything there's a thousand strings pulling me to do other tasks, or projects, or just things that aren't this. For the longest time I thought that was just "me", that I was by nature someone who "does things". But after I got sick, and when I wrote my coming out analogy about running away from an alarm, I started to realize that a lot of my drive came simply from a desire to not sit still.
Now I was forced sit still to by my condition, and self care became a requirement to keep up any kind of output. Yet even with that, it was difficult, I still felt anxious when taking a shower or just taking the couple of minutes I needed to brush my teeth.
I wouldn't say that it felt like the time was being wasted, but I was always worried about the time after I was done. What I would be doing next and if anything would change while I was taking time for myself.
After moving out, I truly realized how much of my time was spent simply reacting to the chaos of my mom's household. There was never a moment that I wasn't aware that my entire week could be changed by the whim of my mom or how she reacted to some "disaster". I had no control over my next moments, no ability to plan ahead in any capacity, and no certainty about things I couldn't see or hear.
A couple months ago I realized I'd carried some of that "need to do" anxiety here with me, so I started taking a day entirely to myself after doing it by accident. No time limits, no goals, no work, just me.
Not only is all of my time mine, but I'm here. I'm in the moment and not fearing being pulled away or having to reschedule my entire week because we have to do some spur of the moment cleaning that's been being put off for a decade.
I never would have thought about it, but that's why I hated self care. The time I spent on it could never be consistent, and it was always at the discretion of the chaos. I've finally been enjoying taking showers, and there's no stopping now.