Crystallize
I've been struggling with the idea of who I am for awhile now and it's been a major block in exploring who I want to be post-coming out. There are too many parts of me that I faked, never explored, or just refused to understand and distinguishing between them is painful to say the least...
I partially covered this idea in my blog post titled "My Mr. Hyde", and I want to cover some of the progress I've made since then.
For the most part, I'm still the same to be honest. I haven't been able to do very much experimentation, buy clothes without it being a problem, or form a solid idea of "me", but I have started to realize a few important things about the process. It's not really about finding the answer before I make a decision, or knowing what I want to look like, do, or be in the future before I start. It's just about trying something because I like it now or have liked it before, then seeing if it sticks long enough for part of me to crystallize around it.
Like, I've been agonizing about the things I spend my time one because I, one, don't have very much of it anymore, and two, don't know who I want to be now that I don't have to be the "me" that's running from "myself". I know that's absolutely stupid though, because that's not how habits or people develop, but I've spent so many years micromanaging my outward personality that I've been worried about doing it wrong. I feel like I'm starting to recognize that emotionally though, so that I can actually start making those choices for what I want to do.
It's an infinitesimally small step, but I've been able to working through the things that I actually enjoy and just feeling comfortable in the moment. Getting back into writing, crafts, and gardening. Finally planning out what I want my long term goals to be...
There will always be more to do because I'll never stop learning and changing, but I feel like I'm finally making it somewhere close to permanence and stability.
If things go to plan, I'll be making blog posts about my crafts! I hope to get into making jewelry and clothing, as well as a few minor electronics projects.
Stay tuned for next week when I'll explain my connection to the rings I wear and my hopes for the ones I'll make!